Divorce

by Andrew D. Gibson, Ph.D.
All rights reserved

Note: Each of Spike’s articles is an expansion on themes introduced, sometimes briefly, in “Got An Angry Kid?” The articles give an opportunity to explore those themes in more detail, as well as give suggestions for follow up.

Everybody asks: How did Spike get to be Spike? The most common way Spike, a ten year old out-of-control boy, gets to be Spike is through divorce. But it isn’t the only way and a divorce does not guarantee you will get a Spike. (see http://www.helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm

The culprit isn’t really the divorce anyway. It is all the fighting both before, during and after the divorce. Spike picks up two things from all the fighting:

One, his fighting parents scare him and he ends up believing the split is all his fault. He believes that if he were a better boy this wouldn’t have happened. This is a hard thing for adults to grasp but it is true.

Spike can’t handle the blame he feels and so he lashes out. He is a kid, after all. His understanding as an adult won’t come for decades. By then the damage could be immense.

Two, Spike will manipulate the difference between his parents. They are not on the same child rearing page. They don’t support one another. Dad insists his way is best. Mom insists hers is best. Spike hears it all, especially the arguing parts. He calculates his advantage and happily shows his resentment. He will, then, drive an even bigger wedge between them.

Let’s say Spike’s parents aren’t divorced yet; Spike will just about guarantee that divorce happens. It will take a lot to prevent it. Spike will keep pounding and pounding on that wedge. Spike still feels responsible for all the upset but he is also angry. Rather than turn anger entirely on himself, he turns it on his parents, too. Divorce

As far as he is concerned, Spike’s parents need to pay for his anger. Spike is too young to understand exactly how he feels or the dynamics of fighting parents. He just know his life is awful, that somehow the unhappiness is a reflection on him and that somebody must pay. That somebody is almost always parents. They pay big time. They will pay through a life that is even harder and more disruptive than just the life approaching divorce alone.

Of course the divorce can be avoided, unless everyone has already driven over a cliff. It can happen if parents can bring themselves to agree on how to deal with this increasingly hostile child of theirs. One of these parents is going to get Spike in custody; probably Mom. Think she is ready for it? However worthless Mom thinks Dad is, she is likely to find that unless he is an utter jerk, that life without him is actually harder.

Need more help? Don’t know where to start? If you don’t have one already, get a copy of “Got An Angry Kid?” Read it carefully. Follow it diligently. It is very parent-friendly.

Join “Spike’s Club” Get access to lots of supportive information on the Spike in your life. Communicate with parents like you. Read exclusive articles. Participate in webinars. Listen to interviews.

If following the program in the book by yourself is too hard, enroll in the self-instruction version of PACT on-line. It will make the process easier. Your progress will be computed automatically for you. Directions are-step by-step.

If self-instruction is still too challenging, become a PACT client. You will like the weekly, personal encouragement that comes with a weekly video hookup. It always helps to have a coach. But which ever approach you pick, commit yourself to regaining control. You have little to lose and plenty to gain. It is never too late.