Spike

Hi: My name is Spike.

I am an out-of -control and tough kid that my parents can’t discipline no matter how hard they try.

I like it that way.

It means I run the house.
I get my parents to yell at me with a snap of  my fingers. All I have to do is scream at my little sister and they flip out.

It’s funny.

They could get control of me if  they liked.  But they aren’t willing to work that hard. They’d rather just yell.

Listen to an interview of Dr. Andrew Gibson and two parents who were former clients. They had a kid like me:

[insert video here; see Tim for video]

What can you do about your tough kid?

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For starters, subscribe to Spike’s Weekly Parenting Newsletter.
 It’s free!

• It’s packed with information.
• It’s parent-friendly
• It’s aimed at families who have tough kids that resist any kind of discipline.
• It’s aimed at parents searching for options.
• And you, the parent, can turn it off anytime you like.

Who is Spike?

Spike is fictional 10 year old out-of-control tough kid whose parents nearly went out of their minds before they figured out how to calm him down.

They did everything they could think of in the name of discipline and got nowhere.
They thought there was a magic discipline bullet out there somewhere that would change their child.
There wasn’t.
They thought that if they punished better that their kid would change.
They couldn’t.
These kids don’t respond to punishment.
In desperation, these parents learned to re-engineer their parenting style.
It worked.

The newsletter will give you abundant insight into how they did it.

What else does the newsletter discuss?

All kinds of things. The following is a  sample:

Let’s sample, for instance, child anger. Did you know that parents hate to acknowledge child anger? Many would rather use any other word besides ‘anger’ to describe the behavior of  an out of control child. It is  though kids don’t deserve to be angry because anger is an adult feeling.

So we rely on words like spoiled, bratty, pain in the a**… as common substitutions for a child we can’t discipline. And we rely on ‘disease’ labels most of all. ‘Disease’ is probably the safest word.

Most commonly the ‘disease’ conditions that underlie the tough kid’s angry behavior began at the level of LD (Learning Disabilities) or ADHD ( Attention Deficit, Hyperactive Disorder) and grow from there.

Then things often get worse…much worse.
The tough kid’s anger could have been nipped at the LD or ADHD level but rarely is.

Why?

We are addicted to disease explanations that excuse us from any involvement. ‘Disease’ labels give us parents a pass when it comes to explaining why our attempts at discipline don’t work. It is much easier on everyone to see a tough kid’s rotten behavior directed to parents such as swearing, hitting, disrespect and all the rest as a function of some disease, not of anger.

The problem with turning anger into a disease is that parents give up a big chance to do something significant about their child’s behavior. Parents, also, think that just because their kid won’t accept their discipline that he (or she) won’t accept anything from them. Not true.

You can get your parental hands around ‘anger’; you can’t get your parental hands around ‘disease’. With ‘disease’ all the parent can do is drive their kid to the next appointment. With ‘anger’ the parent can roll up his/her sleeves and actually accomplish something themselves.
Forget the driving.
Forget the appointments.

But, it is safer and easier to say, “My Poor Lamb has XYZitis!” and drive to the next appointment.

After all, disease does not imply ‘fault’. It allows you to stand on the parenting sidelines. Anger implies fault. It forces you off the parenting sidelines. Moreover, to be angry is to be angry at someone or something. Chronic child anger is directed at someone and generally that someone is a parent.

Does that mean that the tough child’s anger is necessarily the fault of the parent?

No. It may or may not be. For my money, determining fault is a waste of time. It will get the parent nowhere and will use up valuable time that could be spent doing something positive for both parent and child. Diagnosis is just a guessing game anyway.
Diagnosis is only modestly scientific. Save diagnosis and fault-finding for therapy where such explorations may be useful.

What I can tell you is that the longer you deal with an angry child, the greater the likelihood that you enable the behavior you say you don’t like.

So while I can’t prove that you started it and wouldn’t bother trying, I can prove that you perpetuate it. Everyone gets caught up in the battle and keeps the battle going in their own way. Nobody is a winner. Yet, you should be congratulated. You are searching for solutions and are willing to risk including anger as part of the tough kid problem.

Good for you.
Most parents who have tough kids like yours have not caught up with you. They will spin their wheels until they do. Acknowledging child anger and what to do about it is key to turning your child around.

I assume you have a child who exhibits some of the following to you:

• S/he swears at you
• S/he touches you in anger by doing such things to you as slapping, pinching, pushing, tripping or hitting.
• S/he is routinely disobedient
• S/he is routinely disrespectful both in private AND in public.
• S/he gets the school to call upset about behavior
• S/he physically fights with younger brothers and sisters
• S/he lies to you, steals from you and cheats you.

This is anger. It may also be conduct disorder or oppositional defiance disorder or similar conditions. It shows up in LD and ADHD but it is also anger. And it will defy any attempt you make at discipline.

You may not be able to get your parental hands on conduct disorder, etc. That again is the province of therapy, if and when, your child decides to value it.  But while waiting for that day, you sure can  get your hands on the anger that goes along with conduct disorder.

Maybe your tough child is thoroughly and completely out of your control already. Any combination of the above list  certainly suggests that your child is getting out of your control. But this is not a time for despair. Don’t feel too badly. You have lots of company. And tomorrow can be brighter.

Out of control children tend to make parents angry. Really angry. There are few things more galling than being disrespected by a child. It makes the veins pop out on most of our necks. Most of us parents don’t handle childhood anger directed at us very well. We tend to fight fire with fire and give back to the kid the same thing he gives us.

This may work for a while….until your kid gets to be a teenager.
Then WATCH OUT!

When your kid is a teenager, fighting fire with fire really doesn’t work. That’s when you find out just exactly how tough a tough kid can be. Fighting with your kid is like giving your kid a candy bar; fighting just makes him worse. You may as well save your kid the trouble and burn down the house by yourself.  The effect is the same when you fight with him (or her).

Your kid just feeds off your anger. It enables his anger and keeps it alive. This is what I mean about perpetuating his (her) anger. Blowing on hot coals  to produce a flame is just as effective. And when he gets to be the same size that you are, things can get tense.

• Motto #1 Parenting that isn’t effective isn’t parenting. You can call it parenting if you like but it really isn’t.
• Motto #2  When it comes to parenting the seriously difficult child, doing nothing well is superior to doing anything else poorly.

Motto Number 2  probably seems silly. It isn’t.
It means that anything you do in the name of parenting a seriously difficult child must be effective or it works against you.

For instance, does your tough kid care…..whom I assume is angry, out-of-control, seriously difficult and or emotionally disturbed….if he finds you in tears? Probably not.

You look weak when you cry and he knows how to manipulate weak. Does it mean that you aren’t entitled to a good cry?
Of course you are….in private. Don’t think a bid for sympathy on your part will stimulate a movement towards cooperation on his part. It probably won’t. Thus, it is better to do nothing and do it well than do something else and look weak or foolish. You will never get respect by looking weak or foolish and respect is what the parent-child game is all about. Your anger does not impress him (or her.) Concentrate on just doing those parenting things that you do well and forget the rest, including discipline, for a while. In time, you will be able to do a wide range of parenting things that don’t work for you now.

HOW DO YOU LEARN ALL THIS?

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You start by subscribing to the newsletter. These are just some of the things you will discover. If you would like to subscribe, just fill in your name and email to the right. That’s it!

Thanks. Let me know how I can help.

Andrew Gibson, Ph.D.
President, Intensive Behavior Management Training, LLC
PO Box 238 Windham Center, Connecticut
Author, “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike- A Seriously Difficult Child.”
Author, P.A.C.T. Training for Parents
Commissioner, The Connecticut Commission on Children, an appointed position on a legislatively created State-wide agency which gives advice and guidance on children’s issues to the State legislature.
Website: gotanangrykid.com
E-Mail: DrAndrewGibson@gotanangrykid.com

-A Connecticut Agency Since 1991-